THE DICHOTOMY OF CAREGIVING
” Grief did not exhaust me. Logistics did.” This quote from Jane Gross nudges the frayed edges of extended caregiving.
While caring for loved ones, the continued decline and demands poke holes in our best altruistic resolve. And grief IS a component of any ongoing elder care.
We watch the people we love decline, decay and fade. We know the inevitable end. We dread the loss and quietly long for the release from our duty.
We want them to stay. We want them to be restored. We want them not to suffer. We want to be free. Grief is a shadow companion to caregiving.
It begins to occur more frequently as the caregiving elements increase. We recognize the people we caregive are losing ground over time.
We recognize that our most loving efforts for others require that we delay or forego elements of our own life.
We grieve for the life we no longer have. We are told to “balance” the demands of caregiving with our own care and well-being. Of course…that strums the chords of sound advice and reasoning but the chorus in the background is SO off key.
Balance is a moving target. The childhood seesaw only met its balance point through continued cycles of up and down.Caregiving has the same cadence.
It is the dichotomy of the caregiving circumstance that holds evidence of the logistical frustrations and self-care strategies. Ongoing caregiving requires stamina, patience, problem solving and resilience.
These are the attributes available to each of us and often supercharged in the caregiver arena. We learn time management, clever adaptations for maintaining hygiene for the elderly, stock response phrases to calm our loved ones’ worries and where to find community support for the changing realities of caregiving.
The logistics become more complex and our coping tools more diverse. We keep going. The logistics, as they accumulate, stockpile themselves. A new logistical solution may compromise one that worked earlier.
We monitor the needs and adjust how we deal with the changes. Managing the needs of our elderly loved ones, however, involved and long is not the most demanding aspect of the circumstances.
It is the maintenance of our own well being that requires true diligence and commitment. The requirements of the elderly become more obvious and immediate as they age and decline.
Our own needs are more subtle and often suppressed. To match our needs with the demands of caregiving requires honest acknowledgement. Acknowledgement that we also need support and rest and refreshment of spirit and energy.
That acknowledgement is the FIRST step in developing the fulcrum between our needs and those for whom we provide care. And that acknowledgement requires definition.
A definition that allows us to adjust what we need with how we develop it. AND….how we assign our thoughts to our acknowledgement. Acknowledgement can polarize towards resentment and martyrdom if not managed and shifted.
For the circumstances of caregiving are just that….circumstances. It is how we wrap our thoughts and feelings around the circumstances that float us through the logistics and demands of caregiving.
Giving care to others requires that we take care of ourselves. With kindness, honesty and determination. The process is a dedicated shift of our thoughts.
I will dedicate a more focused post on this shift in the next few days.
Please stay tuned!
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- 9 Years as Facilitator for local retiement adjustment group
- Bachelor of Science in Education (B.S.)
- Three Master's Degrees (M. Eds) in Learning Remediation, Vocational Education and Administration.
- Certified Family Transitions Coach (Certified Through Coach Training Alliance)
- Active member of International Coach Federation.
- Lifelong learner and practitioner of gracefully applying grit to life's challenging transitions.
Email: Julie@JulieGreen.org
Phone: 208-755-2824
