Spare Key Syndrome- one way relationships
Healthy relationships give and take. They allow each person to support the other, They flow both ways. They use the golden rule as a behavioral model.
We begin to notice that some of our relationships only flow one way. They seem to exist around the needs, time and terms of only one relationship member. We experience a feeling that we are “convenient” -we are sought out when we are needed.
Like a spare key, we are brought out as a backup . We are the friend in need- but the need is not ours. And when we do have a need of a friend, an ear, a sympathizer- they may not be available. Too busy, you see, with sustaining their needs.
How did I allow this? Why do I feel “used”?
Actually, we didn’t allow the initial behavior. We invited a relationship. We enjoyed the company of another. We believed we needed what the other person brought. Relationships are an integral part of our human experience. OUR human experience.
The allowing happens later in a relationship. We allow after we have had time to experience, to observe and to feel the relationship. We ignore, rationalize and excuse the “one way- it-ness” for a while. Usually too long a while.
If you suspect you are being used or under appreciated, look at the pattern and frequency of that feeling. How many times does it happen? How long has this been going on? Be honest and objective. This is not about vindication. It is about the tone of the relationship.
If this pattern represents more than a handful of examples, it is a pattern. It IS how the relationship has been allowed to develop.
Trust your gut, Your instinct has been nudging you for a while. Listen. Face it. Accept it.
Whose spare key do you want to be?
Why do we have spare keys? What motivates us to stash them, to make sure they are available? The answer : to protect ourselves, to feel more secure, to back ourselves up. And spare keys feel smart and prepared and on top of things ( for those times when we are a little more scattered!)
Spare keys are our doing. We make them happen- we decide where to place them, how many we need and for what situations. Spare keys are for OUR convenience.
What benefit do we receive from only being “used” when someone else chooses the need? The benefit is not for you- it is for someone else- who may never return what you have given them.
Is the gold in your rule tarnished?
It is very probable that everyone is someone else’s spare key – at some time in life. It is a part of how we learn to discriminate our relationships. It is how we bolster our power of choice. We chose to allow this person in our life. We have a responsibility to choose to release them.
If the golden rule is a meaningful benchmark for your life, practice it. If you have allowed someone else to tarnish the gold, reclaim your own luster. We allow people in our lives at different times and for various reasons. They can travel with us for a time. They do not all have to cross life’s finish line with us
It doesn’t have to be dramatic. Or unkind. Or unpleasant. It is a matter of choosing our trade companions. Release them. Let then go. Free yourself from those who anchor you to anything less than your greatest life experience.
I can work with you to live more freely and fully. With relationships that shine,not tarnish your life!
