Overdo.Complain.Repeat. This is trending with caregivers. It is our caregiving mantra. Our script. And often….our badge as a martyr.
According to an article by Ingela Rutledge in http://Realsimple.com, caregivers easily become victims before conquering caregiver martyr complex.
As caregivers, we are recognized as being self-sacrificing, committed and “saintly.” Although these accolades feel pleasant, they are not enough.
In spite of the soothing stroke of those words, they are temporary. And short-lived. Not to mention, they don’t take away our caregiving responsibilities. And…they don’t get to the root of conquering caregiver martyr complex.
Here’s why:
Caregiver Good Deeding
Caregivers enter the role with little preparation. We learn on the job and off the cuff. We adapt to the responsibilities. The job is tough. We are tougher. Or so we present to the world.
As caregivers, we feel our service to others is one of our primary values. A value the world observes, It is when the observation of others is not enough that our martyrdom bubbles up.
Consequently, if there is not enough observed “good deeding” is our value strong enough?
Caregiver Validation
According to Ratledge, “hunger for validation is the most common motivator of martyr behavior.” Yikes. Here you are, caregiving at a sacrifice to yourself. And your only external reward is occasional praise from others.
Shouldn’t there be MORE for you? This is why martyrs are often on the hunt for compliments. And these compliments are often “nudged” by complaining. Maybe just a little.
On the other hand, if the praise inevitably falls short, we activate pity. The whining door prize of not enough validation.
And…as a recovered caregiver martyr, I know the truth of how pleas for validation backfire.
Conquering Caregiver Martyr Complex
YES….it is possible to save yourself. NO ONE is going to rescue you. You must overhaul yourself. Here are the steps Rutledge recommends:
- Lower the bar– Accept that there is no perfection in caregiving. You can support, you cannot “cure”. Adjust your standards to keep yourself healthy. Who do you think will award you an A+ anyway?
- Delegate and cut- List all the tasks on your list. Delegate to whomever you can. If that isn’t feasible, cut out some of the non-essentials. And yes- there ARE some on the list.
- Express you intentions- Basically, say NO to anything that is not life threatening at the moment. Martyrs think that others will applaud their ” do it all” approach. No one else really gives that much of a rip.
- Perform daily acts of selfishness- This is NECESSARY to dropping your tag of martyrdom. Consider what is easiest for YOU!
- Take a beat- You will be tempted ,repeatedly, to be the savior. It is SO familiar! Ask yourself how valuable brownie points really are. There is no tally. YOU are the scorekeeper for your value, your significance and your healthy habits.
The only score for your success is how well you preserve yourself.
