Disapproval from Non- Caregiving Family and Friends
Primary caregivers frequently experience disapproval from a distance. This might come from other family members and friends who live too far away to participate in the daily responsibilities. These distanced members may feel compelled to let you know they have “suggestions” as to how you might better care for your elderly parent, ailing sister or adult disabled child.
Suggestions or Disapproval?
Suggestions have no attachment to outcome. They are neutral and originate from a desire to provide help. Suggestions can be used, considered and discarded. The person giving the suggestion is not offended when what they offer is not followed.
Primary caregivers often find themselves needing to unravel suggestions from thinly veiled disapproval. Family members who propose the same suggestion more than twice may be projecting their disapproval more than their support.
A repeated suggestion may have more to do with the opinion of the “suggester” than a usable tool for the caregiver. And opinions are attached to the person from whom they came. Opinions that do not match those of the caregiver hold no value . ESPECIALLY if the opinion is critical or negative.
ASK the question! Do you have consecutive criticism for me? Do you think I could be providing caregiving in a more effective way? Are you concerned with HOW I am caregiving? AND- how will you participate with me in making these changes?
These questions – and the answers -put the caregiver and the distanced “suggester” on the same page. YOU- the caregiver decides if the answers are helpful suggestions or simply criticism of the care YOU are providing!
WHY Criticism ( When YOU Are Doing the Heavy Lifting!)?
Criticism and disapproval from distant family or friends is attached to their egos. A sense of buried guilt usually accompanies the criticism. Even if the disapprover doesn’t want your role, they might want the rationale that they could do it better. BUT….they are too far away to help! What a viable excuse AND relief ( for them!).
AND… distance disapprovers feed their egos by being superior in their belief that they are right and justified in the criticism.
Disapproval from distanced family and friends has no positive effect on caregiving. It does not contribute to the well being of the person needing care.
Discard and Disregard Disapproval
Caregivers lose valuable energy in embracing criticism. It spirals caregivers into the role of victim. It fuels anger. It invites feelings of being unappreciated. It opens the can of “oulds.” They should support you. They could do more to help. They say they would BUT they live too far away.
Your reality is THE reality. You are in the trenches of caregiving. The disapproval is NOT about you. Allowing disapproval to drain or upset you only depletes your reserves and distracts you from care for yourself and your loved one.
Disapproval can only hurt if YOU allow it. Disregarding and discarding disapproval keeps you steady and focused. By not “returning fire” to the distance disapprovers, you keep them in your quiver of potential allies. You do not reinforce their disapproval when you withhold yours.
You can acknowledge that your hear the concerns and the disapproval. You do NOT have to attach any significance to what they have to say. YOU know your truth, the situation and that distance disapprovers have nothing of value to contribute .
Disregard the disapproval,. Discard the opinions of others if they do not serve you. And appreciate that you have not diminished yourself by what it not meaningful.
Caregiving is demanding. I would like to work alongside you.
