CARE-TAKING ADDICTIONS
Mark Nepo, in his Book of Awakenings, offers a seldom revealed element of care-taking a loved one. The life of a caretaker, he reports, is as addictive as the life of an alcoholic. The addiction begins with the circumstance that initiates care taking .
The circumstance is an event or condition which the caretaker doesn’t choose. But the caretaker chooses to respond and assumes the role and duties of care-taking.
The root of the addiction is the term caretaker. A caretaker provides but doesn’t give the care. For with ongoing care taking, one can become almost intoxicated by the thought of self-sacrifice.
And the thought of our self-sacrifice nurtures the feeling we are loved. We bolster our self- esteem by continuing to drink from the irresistible bottle of self-sacrifice.
Although the person for whom we are providing care can benefit from our sacrifice, we deplete our own self -worth by taking but not giving the care. This subtle difference is in how we view our role.
Care-taking contains elements of self-centeredness. It promotes what we are losing rather than what we are giving. Caregivers, at their very best, enlist true compassion for another person.
Caretakers often look at what they have to do and how it limits their own life. Caregivers answer the needs of their loved one without constantly measuring what it costs them.
Even the best caregivers slip into care taking – especially as the tasks become more involved . It is understandable and even inevitable. There is a way to lessen the addiction of constance care-taking and increase caregiving.
It is centered on you. The you without the role of care-taker. The you of who you choose to be when you are NOT giving care to another.
You must GIVE care to your self. Those around you ( but not involved in the care) will advise and urge you to “take care of yourself!” And how often do we think,”easy for YOU to say!”
BUT…..they are right. What you deny yourself during the rigors of caring for another, deletes your compassion. It DOES begin with compassion for yourself.
How often do we find our care-taking self martyed by the constant needs and demands? Why don’t we say no to requests that can be met by others or delayed?
Be your own caregiver first. Schedule non-negotiable times just for you. Defer care and duties to others. Ask for help.
Realize that you do not have unlimited capacity. The self-care that is constantly back-burnered will boil over in its urgency to be met.
Your role is what you make it, not who you are. Give care to yourself in order to give your best to care to others.
